What is my idea of success? What is it that I think I need to achieve to obtain a general sense of satisfaction with myself? important questions for a lot of people.
I know a primary driving force is my fear of all the people I’ve met in my life who looked down on me, finding me less accomplished. I fear being found by them in one of my less prestigious jobs in a retail store, where they will proceed to feign a smile and make conversation, while thinking how I ended up beneath them.
Or my family, when they discuss with pride a family member’s phD, or promotion, or options in their lives, that I will be that pitfall in the conversation.
“Oh yes… working at that retail store… how is that?”
Not that I believe my family to look down on what I’m doing, but it is hard to be impressed with someone over that type of job in comparison to someone working in cancer research.
I think I just found another driving force in me…
The need to impress. The need to be ‘special’, despite me knowing that I am a mediocre person, part of me still strives and craves to be more than that. I like people being impressed with me, and the problem with all of those particular driving forces that I just listed? Is that they revolve around other people’s opinions.
I am someone who in the past has been content drifting along in my own little world. Sure I have things I want, like to have my own family, or a house out in the country around where I grew up (my mediocrity is blazing like the sun right now), or to continue travelling.
A daydream I have is being in a beautiful, character-ridden home, sitting in my cramped office surrounded by my books and papers and a window; writing. Looking out, and seeing nothing except my lawn, and trees, and my driveway. Have peaceful days, followed by hectic evenings with family and music. A full life, where I still learn and explore, but can rest and find peace and enjoyment.
That sounds heavenly to me. A place in my life where I don’t have intense financial stress, or an insane work schedule. Where I feel fulfilled, but like I am still growing.
Part of the dilemma I have been finding is that I don’t know exactly what type of career I would find fulfilling. Believe it or not, only 1 out of my 3 jobs gives me moments of satisfaction, and even then it is a rarity.
What I have somewhat going for me at this time is a wonderful partner, family, friends, and my first home helping me build equity. I have yet to find that sweet spot with work, to know what I am striving for, or to find my purpose, but I’m figuring things out one bit at a time.
I don’t know where I will end up with my mystery career, I do know that I have some work ahead of me though, but at least I have some awesome people around me while I do it.