As time would reveal to me, I am about to have a my birthday in the upcoming week and a bit, and as I progress into my 20’s, I find myself running low on countless things that I had hoped I wouldn’t.
We all have heard about the crap job market for millenials, we have all heard about the crazy competition and work hours, and they are all true.
As I try to fight and claw myself into a better living situation by putting myself out there more and risking my dignity, I find that I run lower and lower on patience in multiple areas of my life. I find myself muttering darkly when my cat won’t stop meowing and chattering, or I find my private music students more and more irritating, or the heavier humidity in my bedroom makes me sigh in annoyance…
All relatively harmless, and just the way life is, and I should be, and am, grateful for the fact that I HAVE students, and I HAVE a home, and I HAVE a cat who will eat chips with me, and make me feel less like a chubbo alone on the couch.
It isn’t the things themselves that are so irritating, but it’s the constant fatigue and rejection and work that gets me no where that has darkened my days. When did I stop enjoying sitting with a cup of coffee in the silence in the morning? When did I stop enjoying my music filled car rides on my drive to work? When did I stop taking long hot baths? When did I become a whiny pain-in-the-ass (more so than usual)?
I know with my mental health history there has always been an element of this, but when is it that you hit that depleted, ‘f*ck it’?
I personally believe it was when the last part of my life that I thought I had a grasp on, no longer provided adequately for my needs. One last thing uprooted and wasn’t right for my life anymore, and it just added to the ever growing list of things I have to work on.
When do others though? Is it this exact same spot? Or is it before? Somewhere in University or college with crushing debt and bleak job prospects…? Maybe realizing with the variety of jobs and shifts available it is brutal to try to have a schedule full of friends in between a job.
Whenever the point is, it sucks. You know you have to pick yourself up, and just keep hacking away at this part of your life, but you also want to be able to appreciate your fleeting youth. You want to still enjoy these little things without the oppression of everything you haven’t accomplished yet suffocating you.
So, usually, in my optimistic moments I remind myself that if something isn’t working, change your strategy. Problem is, when do you have the energy or time to re-think your direction and plan?
I don’t know, but I’m kind of hoping it comes to me soon, Kraken is starting to want his eat his chips further away from me on the couch, and I don’t blame him.