As I have mentioned in my previous blogs, I am someone who was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I have more recently really been trying to be more positive, both in this blog, and in my personal relationships because I want to keep trying to be someone I like being. It is no fun being negative and down more often than not, and feeling like you are that one person at a party who isn’t a DD, yet insists on being sober. You feel their judging eyes watch you spill you drink on yourself and declare your undying love for the dog or cat of the house owner.
That comparison got real.
Point of this, is that being positive is stupid hard.
I have huge admiration for genuine, positive people, because they haven’t let other people or the world beat the crap out of their feelings and or thoughts to the point of extinguishment.
I legitimately have two drafts of blogs on this site that I am terrified to post, because they are more bold in my opinions.
Can you imagine literally being in fear of people ALL the time?
This is something my family of superhuman-intelligent beings often fail to understand…
Majority of them have found success in their degrees or job fields, and express their world views confidently, and assuredly, and have at the best of times referred to me as “quirky”. With a lower-case q.
Which is the most loving way to say: Weird as ****
Today, I wanted to confront a business I am contracted with on their recent decisions that have affected my work in a negative way. Then I worried that they would get up in my face, pointing out all the ways I wasn’t that good at my job. Knowing myself, I would escalate it by quitting, because I would from there on out be too anxious to work there. A negative exchange with someone means I can’t sleep a lot of nights.
I feel like a delicate incapable flower, who rains on everyone’s parades because I get upset so easily. I believe people think that about me too. That I am a weak person. Though that small part of me that is loud and boisterous thinks: “You successfully quit smoking 4 years ago, self harming 6 years ago, and live every day trying to be kind to people even with a voice screaming you’re not good enough or are an idiot. You studied an instrument for roughly 2 decades, have your degree, and work 3 jobs. You tigress sister of Aslan.” Then my b*tchier self says a mean comment, and that sassy loud mouth shuts her gaping trap.
This, is EXHAUSTING.
I don’t do so much of what I want to do , or take risks I should take in my career because I fear negativity so much. The terrified half of me wants to work completely alone and have the only risk of a negative reaction be from myself.
And yet… I still try. I still go out and try to take slightly bigger risks, I try to let go of negative exchanges, and I have gone to a total of 6-7 different therapists in my life trying to make me less socially anxious. I have tried meditating, changing what I don’t like about myself etc. Things are definitely better than they were from 5 years ago, but I still am disgusted with myself over my career, and lack of impressive skills or credentials.
The world will judge, I accept that that is how it is, and there is always going to be someone that won’t like me, or just wants to be mean or angry because that’s who they are, and they may or may not have their own crap going on.
I generally believe that as long as you are not physically or verbally harassing or abusing me or others, you do you, and I will quietly stay in my peaceful background and not be any level of bother.
I wish I could have have calm collected decisions and thoughts and opinions without this anxiety gnawing at me in the face of a bully or negative situation. I want to be upfront when I think someone is being two-faced, or if I feel taken advantage of, but it is definitely not coming easy.
When I read a job description of “Must be excellent at_______”, I exit it. Because I don’t think I am good enough for those jobs, even if I have the qualifications.
A lot of people have said to me: “Don’t worry about what other people think!” or “You’re too hard on yourself, relax.”
I’m fixed. Delightful.
I appreciate the loving place they come from, but they need to know I, like many others, have been fighting this for years. I have been TRYING to be able to let it go, to not give a crap if someone says I’m useless, or stupid. I am always trying, and I’m also trying to prove to myself that I am not those things. Generally, my trying as I have said, has lead to great improvements, so I will keep going.
However, it isn’t gone, and it won’t be gone overnight because it isn’t a switch you just turn off.
I exert so much energy trying to avoid unpleasant situations or risks, and I’m wondering how much more I could accomplish, and good I could do if I spent that energy on better things.
Hopefully one day, I’ll find out. Hopefully, the next time my sister says something slightly mean I’ll just roll my eyes and ignore it. Hopefully, I can start doing more of what I love and stop being scared of people having negative responses. For now, I’m trying to be as positive as I can be, and hope that I keep getting a little bit better.
This is why I’m writing this blog, because though it isn’t a bold opinion, but rather a brief touch on my experiences (one of the few wheelhouses I am slightly more comfortable commenting on), I’m trying to be better.
Best of luck to everyone out there- and just to cover my bases because I’m terrified someone is going to comment and point out how petty this problem is…
Everyone has their demons, and I just hope everyone keeps doing whatever they can to keep beating them back.